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Wet Noodle Posse | Blog

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Kiss your Kenmores

by Bridget Stuart

I've just made a move to a nice new rental home. So today, let's hold hands and explore together the wonderful world of what real estate agents like to call my new "high end kitchen".

Ta-da! Let's start with the Sub Zero refrigerator. It's built into the cabinetry, so you don't even know it's there. But why hide a refrigerator, you ask? (It's not, like, a toilet or something.) I suspect it's because this is a colonial farmer's kitchen, with wide pine boards and exposed beams, and colonial farmers didn't have refrigerators. Wouldn't want to spoil the illusion (which is only an illusion if you're among the sheltered few who believe colonial farmers also had granite countertops).

Regardless, the "high end" fridge does have one feature I've never encountered before, which no one should have to live without: the nag-o-meter. The nifty nag-o-meter actually starts to bleep at you incessantly if you leave the refrigerator door open longer than ten seconds. Ten seconds? I'm lucky if I've remembered what I wanted from the fridge in that amount of time, much less retrieved it. Then, when the friggin' bleeping gets started, I forget *everything* except how annoying it is--which only means I spend more time with the door open, wracking my brain. Eggs? Orange juice? Lettuce? Close the door and start over?

Which brings us to another nifty "high end" appliance...the microwave with a handy "built-in-bitch" feature. This is in addition to a visual display which actually shows you an animated featurette of corn popping when you hit the "popcorn" button, though if you could be troubled to move your eyes one millimeter to the left, you can see the real thing happening through the glass door. But let me not be distracted from explaining the ingenious "built-in-bitch". If you leave your cooked stuff in the microwave longer than, you guessed it, ten seconds, it starts to play a perky little micro-tune. Da-da-dee-da-dee-da-dee, dee. Other microwaves might have a beep, but this one sings to you. And keeps on singing until you get the stuff out. My kids and I have even come up with words to the tune: I'd better not share them.

Instead, come, let me lead you to gape at the fabulous "Farmer's Sink"! It's porcelain-- a big white rectangle of gorgeousness. And it slopes gently upward in the middle. Ladies, this means *the sink doesn't drain*. Everything that goes into the sink ends up collecting in one of the four corners, requiring ten to twenty minutes of scrubbing and splashing to force it to run down the pipes. It would be easier if there were a hand held spray head, but of course Colonial farmers didn't have flexible spray hoses in their kitchens--ergo, none here. I hate to think of how much my kindly, wonderful landlords paid to have this smug monster installed.

You know all this stuff was designed by men. Men who never cleaned a sink or spent any time in a kitchen in their lives. "Farmer's Sink", huh. I hate to think what's next. The 'Farmer's Washing Machine' (silver-plated board in a stream)? The 'Farmer's Shower' (golden buckets in an authentic outdoor lean-to?) Let your imagination run free.

And kiss your Kenmores.

14 Comments:

At 6:45 AM, Blogger Sandy Blair said...

LOL, Bridget. Your appliances remind me of "Hilda" our car's navigational system. Don't even think about disobeying her--going straight because you can see the Highway you want directly in front of you--if she's already told you to turn right. She'll nag, "Turn left in one hundred feet", "Turn left in fifty feet" "Turn left NOW" determined to make you execute a U turn so she can take you through some ghetto to a specific ramp only she knows about. And if you don't obey...she gets even. The next time you try to program in an address she starts screwing with your head. Will deliberately misread the keys you punch in, will demand the street addy first when last week she wanted the city name first then demands a zip code. As if.
Sandy

 
At 7:35 AM, Blogger bridget said...

Sandy, that's hysterical! So you're saying Hilda's programmed to classify certain users as "difficult" and demand different information from them, so as to better protect stupid people from themselves? Do I sense a conspiracy here?

 
At 11:27 AM, Blogger Diane Perkins said...

I swear, appliances are becoming smarter than we are!

Hilarious post!

 
At 12:56 PM, Blogger bridget said...

I still cling to the desperate hope that we're smarter. I know *you* are, at least. Thanks, Diane!

 
At 1:56 PM, Anonymous gin said...

I love, love, love my new fridge (freezer on the bottom), but it does have this weird cycle once or twice a day where I assume it's defrosting or something, and it makes a sound exactly like someone knocking on my door. Which wouldn't be so bad if I could only hear it in the kitchen, except that my space is an open floor plan, so the living space and working space flow in and out of the kitchen, so I'll be sitting at my computer, pretending to get some work done, and I'll hear someone knocking on the door, and I'll jump up -- aha! another reason to avoid working -- except it's just my fridge.

Oh, well. I need the exercise. So I can eat more of the goodies in the fridge.

 
At 2:42 PM, Blogger Theresa N. said...

Hate to hear that about the Farmers Sink, I've really been wanting one of those. Ummm..sink that works and looks awful or sink that looks great and doesn't work?
I'll have to think about this.

 
At 3:41 PM, Blogger bridget said...

Hey Gin, congrats on the new fridge! I'm thinkin' you need to turn off your ice machine, as that's usually the knocking sound. Unless you value the ice more than your concentration. Hmm, a dilemma...is that how you spell "dilemma"?

Theresa good luck choosing! I'm sure there *must* be a farmer's sink that actually works out there...I'd just be sure to pay close attention to the center...you want it to *drop* not *rise*...

 
At 8:56 PM, Blogger Jennie Lucas said...

Isn't it funny how sometimes "luxury" ends up being less comfy than the regular boring ol' stuff? (Not just in appliances, but also cars, women's shoes, etc.) Thanks for a great post, Bridget!

 
At 10:42 AM, Blogger bridget said...

thanks, Jenna! I hear you about the women's shoes...
kicking offf my clogs now.

 
At 1:49 PM, Anonymous Judy T said...

Ten seconds? Who are they kidding? This is hilarious, though I imagine not nearly as funny when you have to live with it! I don't suppose it's any consolation that it has provided comedy relief. I've always thought I'd like a brand new kitchen with all the new fancy-schmancy fangled stuff. Maybe not. Thanks for the laugh.

 
At 3:33 PM, Blogger bridget said...

Actually, Judy t, it *does* provide consolation to know someone out there is laughing. Kinda like kitchen therapy. Thanks for stopping by the Posse!

 
At 4:28 PM, Anonymous Judy T said...

A sense of humor goes a long way. Thanks, Bridget. I've been exploring the site from time to time ever since Diane told me about it a few months ago. She gave me a nudge to get a little more involved and decided to take her up on it. I'm glad I did.

 
At 10:48 PM, Blogger Theresa Ragan said...

Too funny, Bridget! I'm so glad I don't have an alarm on my fridge or a singing microwave. I would go nuts! ha! And I'm sure you're right about who invented that sink!

Enjoy your new place!

 
At 12:45 PM, Blogger bridget said...

judy t, aint Diane grand? It's a love fest here, that's what it is.

Theresa R, thanks so much for the good wishes! I love your avatar shot, it's so glam!

 

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