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Wet Noodle Posse | Blog

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Why I Hate Grocery Shopping

I hate grocery shopping because...

1. Getting past the bakery is on a par with Odysseus sailing past the island of sirens. My strategy is to hug the deli on the right, but I can see the donut case and hear the table of 2 for 1 brownies calling to me on the left side of the wide aisle.

2. Even as a “preferred shopper” at my local grocery store, which supposedly provides me with a substantial discount on my purchases, I spend a wad of money on a week’s worth of food for three people and one zaftig cat.

3. I always forget something on my list and have to go back the next day. Apparently, pepper jack cheese is necessary to my husband’s existence.

4. The bag boy calls me “Ma’am.” While I appreciate polite teenagers, the moniker makes me feel OLD.

5. Even though I’d rather have someone else put my groceries in the van, I always tell the bag boy I can do it myself because I need the exercise. Pathetic but true. Some days it’s all the exercise I get.

6. Unnecessary items, such as People magazine, which I know I can read the next time I bring my daughter to the orthodontist, and those occasional necessaries (i.e. peanut butter cups which truly are the best cure for PMS) end up in my cart.

7. I buy lots of fruits and vegetables with the best of intentions to eat healthy, but some of them end up rotting in my refrigerator.

8. I have to clean out the refrigerator.

9. Other activities are far more appealing, such as checking my e-mail, petting my cat, or watching Oprah.

10. People can learn a lot about you from what’s in your basket. I’d like mine to say confident, sexy woman, who likes filet mignon and red wine. My basket says middle aged housewife who can’t give up her addiction to coffee and bread, buys cheap paper towels, and owns a cat who likes clumping litter.

11 Comments:

At 9:25 AM, Blogger Trish Milburn said...

LOL! Loved your post, Maureen. I can't always manage to pass up the People magazine either. I comfort myself by saying maybe I'll find story ideas or a great picture for a character inside. What I think is evil is how they put all those blasted candy bars in the check-out line.

 
At 5:10 PM, Blogger Terry McLaughlin said...

What a fun post, Maureen--or should I say, ma'am. You helped me start my day with a smile.

I used to go to the grocery store every day, since menu planning around here was strictly impromptu. Lately we've been making do with whatever's in the cupboard (sort of an ongoing disaster drill) or ordering take out.

Trish--I like your story idea rationale for the magazine purchases. Mind if I borrow it?

 
At 5:32 PM, Blogger MaryF said...

Yes, yes, yes! This is me, entirely, only my magazine purchase is usually of the garden magazine variety.

Terry! LOL on the on-going disaster drill!

We've started a new tradition (mainly because I was cooking the SAME THING every week). My dh and ds go to the store with me after Sunday breakfast to bring some variety into the house. Of course we're either not hungry so we don't buy everything we need, or we get really impulsive and end up with jars of stuff like sundried tomatos.

 
At 11:43 AM, Blogger Theresa Ragan said...

Loved this post! I agree with your entire list. :) Thanks for the laugh.

Theresa

 
At 5:14 PM, Blogger Diane Perkins said...

I sometimes look at the items on the conveyer belt and think the checker must I'm nuts. I'll buy things like cat food (always cat food), decaffeinated diet coke, coffee, ice cream and toilet paper.
Diane

 
At 7:17 PM, Blogger Trish Milburn said...

Sure, Terry, borrow away!

 
At 9:21 PM, Blogger Candice Gilmer said...

I agree with your list as well... Course, my basket would say "has a spoiled toddler..."

 
At 10:31 PM, Blogger bridget said...

LOL Mo! I went shopping today and was thinking about your post. I always buy obscure-looking vegetables and fruits; and I guess judging by my basket, a guy thought I was the right person to ask if the bunch of greenery he had in his hand was cilantro. I sniffed it, and nope--it was Italian parsley. This required a search through the parsley section...we saved his salsa.

Hmm, I like that. Sounds metaphorical: "Whew! You really saved my salsa." Or, "Fess up or I'll mince your salsa pronto." Or even "How do you rate her salsa? --Muy picante, brother!"

 
At 6:52 AM, Blogger MaryF said...

Bridget, you crack me up! Italian parsley by smell???

 
At 7:52 AM, Blogger Sandy Blair said...

Love your post, Trish!!!!!!!! Too funny and sadly too true. I amuse myself by looking at the men.

Confused expression, TV dinners, Fritos and Beef Jerky = Wife out of town.

Bread, peanut butter, cereal, TV dinners, bored expression, no veggies and no wedding ring = bachelor who's likely to stay that way for awhile.

Premade salad, steaks, baking potatoes, cheeze cake and no ring = bachelor hoping to get some tonight.

Radiccio, Shikto mushrooms, lamb chops, herbs I've never seen before, white burgandy and no ring = gay.

 
At 5:17 AM, Blogger MaryF said...

LOLOLOL, Sandy!

 

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